Dear Daughter,
I haven't had a single stable relationship in my life but I've anyways decided to have you. Let me tell you first of all that I love you. You are my soul, a part of me, and I can't wait to see you grow up in front of my own eyes. God, I can't wait to see you smile, laugh, and jump around in my hands. To have you looking up at me with those big, round eyes will melt my heart. I will do ANYTHING for you.
As a gift to you, my dear daughter, I thought I'd write you this letter. This is my message to you.
Dearest light of my world, the world that I'm bringing you into is GREAT! It's great because you'll get noticed without having an iota of talent! It's brilliant, isn't it? All the men of the world will appreciate you for what you look like. All the women will make you feel miserable about your body 'coz you get noticed by men. But we'll let those bitches be bitches, won't we? :)
Anyways, what I wanted to share with you is my "plan" for you. See, as you grow up, you'll be thankful to me. I'm not asking you to be and engineer or doctor. I just want you to be perfect at krav maga, jujitsu, and kalaripayattu.
When you are four and are limber enough with your tiny, tiny limbs, I'll enroll you into a krav maga class. And don't worry if there isn't a good krav maga trainer in Delhi. I'll fly in an ex-Mossad agent to teach you, if it comes to that.
We'll both do krav maga till you're 10 or 11 years old and then we'll shift to jujitsu. I'll ask the trainer if we can do jujitsu with a samurai sword. I'll also ask the local police station if we need a license to carry that sword around. Wouldn't it be just super COOL to have one of those dangling on your waist even though they're about the same height as you?
And for bedtime stories, oh you'll be amazed at what I have in store for you! I know that bed time stories are really important in developing a keen sense of either reading or enjoying the ancient art of storytelling. Well, I thought we'd do away with those princesses in trouble and their cowardly princes. Each night as you go to sleep, I'll read you the screenplays of horror films like "The Exorcist", "Jennifer's Body", "Orphan", etc. That way I can teach you how mainstream cinema and literature has stereotyped women into portraying these "devil's vessel" roles. Even the religious texts do that. Eve in the Bible, Menaka in the Hindu god's literature, Surpanakha in the Ramayana, and endless more. Oh, and you'll also learn that it's just idiotic to be the idiot who enters a dark, empty room without a flashlight or candle or some friend along.
Everyone hates queueing up for something. Unless you're Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton, you will have to stand behind that farting man and the old woman who'll keep pushing her ample bosoms against your back. So to avoid standing in queues, I'll teach you how to dress, talk, eat, and seduce boys like them. That way you won't have to work for even a single day in your life! Wouldn't that be fantastic? No male executive looking up your skirt while you climb the corporate ladder!
Dear daughter, there's so much that I have in store. But this is only the first of the many letters I'll write to you. I have to watch more of Gossip Girl, Jersey Shore, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi reruns to take down more lessons for you. I also have to find ways to shut down those pretend-moralistic idiots at The Hindu, India Today, Tehelka and other such publications. Baby, you only need to read The Times of India for everything. Their news content, which they fit in between the "weight-loss", "Russian massage experts", and "penile dysfunction correction treatments" ads, are journalistically so accurate and inspiring!
Anyways baby, I should be saving the best for latter. Gots to go now. TTYL :)
xoxo
Your Pregnant Teenage Mom
I haven't had a single stable relationship in my life but I've anyways decided to have you. Let me tell you first of all that I love you. You are my soul, a part of me, and I can't wait to see you grow up in front of my own eyes. God, I can't wait to see you smile, laugh, and jump around in my hands. To have you looking up at me with those big, round eyes will melt my heart. I will do ANYTHING for you.
As a gift to you, my dear daughter, I thought I'd write you this letter. This is my message to you.
Dearest light of my world, the world that I'm bringing you into is GREAT! It's great because you'll get noticed without having an iota of talent! It's brilliant, isn't it? All the men of the world will appreciate you for what you look like. All the women will make you feel miserable about your body 'coz you get noticed by men. But we'll let those bitches be bitches, won't we? :)
Anyways, what I wanted to share with you is my "plan" for you. See, as you grow up, you'll be thankful to me. I'm not asking you to be and engineer or doctor. I just want you to be perfect at krav maga, jujitsu, and kalaripayattu.
When you are four and are limber enough with your tiny, tiny limbs, I'll enroll you into a krav maga class. And don't worry if there isn't a good krav maga trainer in Delhi. I'll fly in an ex-Mossad agent to teach you, if it comes to that.
We'll both do krav maga till you're 10 or 11 years old and then we'll shift to jujitsu. I'll ask the trainer if we can do jujitsu with a samurai sword. I'll also ask the local police station if we need a license to carry that sword around. Wouldn't it be just super COOL to have one of those dangling on your waist even though they're about the same height as you?
And for bedtime stories, oh you'll be amazed at what I have in store for you! I know that bed time stories are really important in developing a keen sense of either reading or enjoying the ancient art of storytelling. Well, I thought we'd do away with those princesses in trouble and their cowardly princes. Each night as you go to sleep, I'll read you the screenplays of horror films like "The Exorcist", "Jennifer's Body", "Orphan", etc. That way I can teach you how mainstream cinema and literature has stereotyped women into portraying these "devil's vessel" roles. Even the religious texts do that. Eve in the Bible, Menaka in the Hindu god's literature, Surpanakha in the Ramayana, and endless more. Oh, and you'll also learn that it's just idiotic to be the idiot who enters a dark, empty room without a flashlight or candle or some friend along.
Everyone hates queueing up for something. Unless you're Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton, you will have to stand behind that farting man and the old woman who'll keep pushing her ample bosoms against your back. So to avoid standing in queues, I'll teach you how to dress, talk, eat, and seduce boys like them. That way you won't have to work for even a single day in your life! Wouldn't that be fantastic? No male executive looking up your skirt while you climb the corporate ladder!
Dear daughter, there's so much that I have in store. But this is only the first of the many letters I'll write to you. I have to watch more of Gossip Girl, Jersey Shore, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi reruns to take down more lessons for you. I also have to find ways to shut down those pretend-moralistic idiots at The Hindu, India Today, Tehelka and other such publications. Baby, you only need to read The Times of India for everything. Their news content, which they fit in between the "weight-loss", "Russian massage experts", and "penile dysfunction correction treatments" ads, are journalistically so accurate and inspiring!
Anyways baby, I should be saving the best for latter. Gots to go now. TTYL :)
xoxo
Your Pregnant Teenage Mom
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