Vampire Romances to the Rescue

Sometimes my dreams end up surprising me. For a long time I was getting standard nightmares about harpies at work trying to choke or kill me in very innovative ways. Surprisingly, it wasn't an effect of watching too many crime shows. It was just a work thing. So after this very bad spell of nightmares, having a great dream is like discovering treasure. Not that I have an experience of ever finding any treasure but I figure that that's how characters in those fantasy novels feel like.

Now the dream. Being single for a long time has its effects on ones brain. The stimulants in my body which allow me to feel the effects of being in love were, sadly, dying. Not having anyone to fixate on was a sad thing. Since I didn't want to become a robot, I was concerned. How could I save my poor hormones and nerves? What could I think of that would ensure their survival?

Since these hormones and nerves do not come under stem cell research, top scientists of the world refused to help me. They also laughed, but that's beside the point. So, I had to come up with something. I had to make a plan which would help me be human and still have great boobs. Both these factors would ensure my survival. Attaboy, Darwin!

Leslie Nelson from "Dracula: Dead and Loving It"

To save myself, I thought, why don't I employ the use of those very skills which gave me the harpy nightmares? I mean, the skills I use every day at work: writing and imagination! Voila! Problemo solved! Thing is that I'm already writing a book on vampire-human romance that has vigorous sex between both species. Stephanie Meyer missed on that opportunity so I thought of cashing it in. I ensured that my vampires were the right degree of stupid to commingle with humans. Similarly, my humans had to be the right degree of rock-brains to flirt with semi-dead people.

I set my premise and started writing. The stimulants that were allegedly dead, came to life and with great vigour! My mind worked on Nitro mode and spewed out all kinds of vampire-human romances which were disturbing, at first. But if you are into that kind of kinky stuff, you'll love it. I'm a fan now. After writing a couple of chapters, my writing feels like crack. I'm addicted to it. That is the reason I am promoting it.

But my dreams... Oh, the turn my dreams took since the vampire romance tale is delectable. Being single is less of a worry now. I have my mind occupied on things that matter. And I'm not saying that it's work or family that is in the top of my mind, it's my writing and the scandalous stuff I write about. I am amazed at my ability of coming up with ways to make vampire-human sex easy, look natural, and attain orgasm each time. See, I am making the impossible come true. That's always something a writer should be really proud of.

Of course, the writing is done in secret and I can't reveal it till I complete the whole book. You see, I haven't introduced my characters yet. They've only had sex--lots of it--for now. So I need to do the mundane task of giving them a background, a story and a dysfunctional characteristic before telling the world any more detail. Each story needs that and I can't succeed without covering my basics.

The only thing I can hope for now is that I keep my concentration up and that there aren't any more videos of Hugh Jackman, Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy dancing to distract me. God, they're gorgeous!

Finding Mr. Right

I honestly believe all the magazines and articles when they tell me that finding Mr. Right is very important in my life. The benefits of having the perfect man by your side will ensure that my life is be the fantasy tale that I've dreamt of since I was a toddler. Finding me a Mr. Right is a task that my parents are also invested in. They are willing to go to extreme lengths to ensure a perfect match. Having dated a bunch of dummies, I have all the more reason to throw my hands up in the air and declare, "Cosmo, find me a Hugh Grant (specifically his Notting Hill character)!"

The only catch is, the world is full of Mr. Rights. Each and every dummy you see is a perfect fit. For someone. There are enough desperate men in this country to deserve the handful of girls available. They will be all the more grateful for it. Desperate men should not be left to their devices. They deserve a woman who can slap sense into them. Similarly, dumb girls deserve a man who is equally dumb, to hold a mirror to them. I am against wasting any amount of intelligence on people who are just destined to be dumb. By the way, people being dumb because it is their destiny is the only time I believe in destiny. Otherwise I'm not a "destiny" fan.

Having judged people all my life, I have learnt a lot of things from my observations. First and foremost, sometimes intelligence can be found in the most unlikeliest of places. You saw a nerd wearing a Batman T-shirt and smelling like wet laundry left wet too long? He just might know the exact measurement of Superman's dong after reading all the printed comics available. And all of us have met those girls who have long, painted nails that can be possible murder weapons if you got too close? Turns out, they might be the world's foremost experts on how whales mate. (Yes, whales, like other mammals have penises but where are their holes? Is it the blowhole on the top of their heads? Tricky question, huh? I know!)

Secondly, looks do not matter. Sure, there is a fairness craze in the world but I have always found dark people the hottest. It's also partly because they don't have to spend any money in sunscreen. And sunscreen don't come cheap, son! Trust me, because I pay for all of my brother's lotions, creams and cosmetics! But I digress, sorry. Looks also ties up to intelligence. If you tell a person that he/she is very pretty, chances are, they will stick to working on the pretty aspect only and forget to do the important things in life, like learning how to cook. Of course, there are exceptions to each case. You might find a Barbie's Ken blazing trails in the scientific world but trust me, he will be aware of his genetic good looks and will use it to his advantage. Ugly people, on the other hand, have to work hard to not merge into the background. That's why they garner many essential skills to survive. And they survive. No wonder National Geographic said that Americans in 2050 will look like Beyoncé. Trust me, it's not just for the fantastic booty.

Thirdly, accumulation of wealth does matter. Too rich is too bad. The right amount of poverty is good. After all, you want a partner who is less pompous than you. Someone who is ready to ignore your tantrums and remind you from time to time what an enormous drama queen you are. That sort of person will ensure that you don't spend 30 grand on shoes. That person will remind you, sternly, that Carrie Bradshaw and the Gossip bitches are actresses who don't buy the clothes they wear. It's their stylist who does that. Obviously, you can't afford a stylist so all you can do is slobber over the pages of Cosmopolitan and People magazine in the dentist's office.

These are just a few characteristics of the perfect partner. However, based on these few points, one should have a clear idea of the kind of person you want. Obviously, it's all hogwash because you can only fuck Hugh Grant in your dreams. You can't get him to marry you. So, you settle for the trolls and gargoyles that you meet in random places. Don't worry, they may be desperate enough to ignore the giant wart on your face that you call your brain. If you get a person who does just that, you have found treasure, my friend. Nurture them, love them, feed them popcorn if they say their hands are too busy playing Call of Duty. Occasionally, watch them eat a messy burrito and get enticed by the fat globs of  mayonnaise dripping on their T-shirt. Trust me, it doesn't get any better than that. Such a life, in my opinion, is the perfect life with your perfect partner. Thank the gods if you've already found your Mr. Right!