Finding Mr. Right

I honestly believe all the magazines and articles when they tell me that finding Mr. Right is very important in my life. The benefits of having the perfect man by your side will ensure that my life is be the fantasy tale that I've dreamt of since I was a toddler. Finding me a Mr. Right is a task that my parents are also invested in. They are willing to go to extreme lengths to ensure a perfect match. Having dated a bunch of dummies, I have all the more reason to throw my hands up in the air and declare, "Cosmo, find me a Hugh Grant (specifically his Notting Hill character)!"

The only catch is, the world is full of Mr. Rights. Each and every dummy you see is a perfect fit. For someone. There are enough desperate men in this country to deserve the handful of girls available. They will be all the more grateful for it. Desperate men should not be left to their devices. They deserve a woman who can slap sense into them. Similarly, dumb girls deserve a man who is equally dumb, to hold a mirror to them. I am against wasting any amount of intelligence on people who are just destined to be dumb. By the way, people being dumb because it is their destiny is the only time I believe in destiny. Otherwise I'm not a "destiny" fan.

Having judged people all my life, I have learnt a lot of things from my observations. First and foremost, sometimes intelligence can be found in the most unlikeliest of places. You saw a nerd wearing a Batman T-shirt and smelling like wet laundry left wet too long? He just might know the exact measurement of Superman's dong after reading all the printed comics available. And all of us have met those girls who have long, painted nails that can be possible murder weapons if you got too close? Turns out, they might be the world's foremost experts on how whales mate. (Yes, whales, like other mammals have penises but where are their holes? Is it the blowhole on the top of their heads? Tricky question, huh? I know!)

Secondly, looks do not matter. Sure, there is a fairness craze in the world but I have always found dark people the hottest. It's also partly because they don't have to spend any money in sunscreen. And sunscreen don't come cheap, son! Trust me, because I pay for all of my brother's lotions, creams and cosmetics! But I digress, sorry. Looks also ties up to intelligence. If you tell a person that he/she is very pretty, chances are, they will stick to working on the pretty aspect only and forget to do the important things in life, like learning how to cook. Of course, there are exceptions to each case. You might find a Barbie's Ken blazing trails in the scientific world but trust me, he will be aware of his genetic good looks and will use it to his advantage. Ugly people, on the other hand, have to work hard to not merge into the background. That's why they garner many essential skills to survive. And they survive. No wonder National Geographic said that Americans in 2050 will look like Beyoncé. Trust me, it's not just for the fantastic booty.

Thirdly, accumulation of wealth does matter. Too rich is too bad. The right amount of poverty is good. After all, you want a partner who is less pompous than you. Someone who is ready to ignore your tantrums and remind you from time to time what an enormous drama queen you are. That sort of person will ensure that you don't spend 30 grand on shoes. That person will remind you, sternly, that Carrie Bradshaw and the Gossip bitches are actresses who don't buy the clothes they wear. It's their stylist who does that. Obviously, you can't afford a stylist so all you can do is slobber over the pages of Cosmopolitan and People magazine in the dentist's office.

These are just a few characteristics of the perfect partner. However, based on these few points, one should have a clear idea of the kind of person you want. Obviously, it's all hogwash because you can only fuck Hugh Grant in your dreams. You can't get him to marry you. So, you settle for the trolls and gargoyles that you meet in random places. Don't worry, they may be desperate enough to ignore the giant wart on your face that you call your brain. If you get a person who does just that, you have found treasure, my friend. Nurture them, love them, feed them popcorn if they say their hands are too busy playing Call of Duty. Occasionally, watch them eat a messy burrito and get enticed by the fat globs of  mayonnaise dripping on their T-shirt. Trust me, it doesn't get any better than that. Such a life, in my opinion, is the perfect life with your perfect partner. Thank the gods if you've already found your Mr. Right!

I Climbed a Spanish Mountain

The story about how I conquered my emotional side and stainless steel-coated my ovaries (not actually, but metaphorically)

As a human being with friends, I have been a witness to many a pity party. I have to clarify that (a) I am a human being because I have been called emotionless too many times, and (b) a pity party is a way of experiencing grief, in which you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself and whining endlessly about how crappy your life is. I try and make friends with people who generally seem strong and willful because I know they will not start crying fountains of tears at random points of our friendship. Sadly, however, the reality is very different. Just like Dr. Clock (Heather Graham) from Scrubs said, "...some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy centre."

(Pause for effect and look like you are deep in thought. Like Mr. Gorilla here.)

Creamy centre, indeed. At first, there is no pleasure in seeing my friends and people on the Metro break down about their ex-lovers. Those people are genuinely hurt, or at least trying to act hurt. Girls are like: "How could he break up with me? Doesn't he like the way I look?" Meanwhile guys are like: "Yaar, I don't understand why she broke up with me. What did I do wrong?" 

Then there are others who are like: "Man, I was waiting for him/her to say something, anything, about our relationship but he/she didn't. And that's why we are no longer talking."If I had made a face like this in front of my friends while they were narrating their stories, I would have been murdered. Strangers get the best of my sarcastic eye roll with a "Grow Up!" sigh. I really cannot help it. These reactions just come to me naturally. If I was a person with more emotion than rationality, I.... Hmm, I cannot imagine what I would be like if I had more emotions.

Anyways, pity party, friends, and break ups. Making a sad face works. Be angry at the person who dumped them. Tell them they did not deserve a great person like she/he. Tell them that the world has millions of people who are single and ready to date you at a moment's notice. Tell them that to get over the break up, you all could go somewhere, or shop, or binge eat, or watch a million rom-coms. Whatever works. These have all mostly been used by me over my friends. It only works in the moments when they are looking at you talk. They never listen. When your friend starts talking though that is when you know that whatever great idea you suggested was plainly ignored. People will deal with break ups like idiots. They will not give heed to rational thought. Been there, went through all of that. (Sigh!)

While I want to believe that I am smarter than most people, I know that I have had my pity parties too. Surprisingly, they are great ways to get to know new people. That's how I met many of my friends. But then one day, I decided that I should do something better. Like climb a mountain, go on an adventure, DO stuff. Anything to get through the sudden emptiness in your life, to get over the loss of a close confidant. That's why I wanted to climb a mountain.


However, climbing even a fake wall is tough business. My body is of course, devoid of all kinds of physical exercise except for some walking and escaping the speeding vehicles on the roads. The last one is a sure-shot heart attack-giver, because nothing gets the heart pumping like imminent vehicular manslaughter. But I had climbed a steep rock when I'd visited Rishikesh, bungee-jumped, walked up and down mountains, and was the elder child. So I simply had to do it.


Anyways, the moral of the story is that I turned a bad situation into a dream. That was the one and only time I was able to do that. I have failed terribly all the other times. Which is why I have become the way I am now. Failures have made me a person that I like being. Sure, I pick on the extra fat I have on various parts of my body but overall, I appreciate the fact that I am an OK person. I suck at friendships, sure. But my friends know this about me and work to ensure that I do not come across as that bad a friend. I love them. If they hadn't listened to me bitch, I probably wouldn't have been able to move on from the countless heartbreaks. Johnny Depp, Daniel Radcliffe, Heath Ledger, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and most recently Benedict Cumberbatch....

That is how I came to learn Spanish. The language is as lovely as any other language but the most important thing was that it was spoken widely throughout South America. The continent has such an interesting culture which is different from anything you have seen so far. Or at least, Discovery Channel makes it look like so.