Struggle: Every Minute, Every Moment

It is the new year once again, and everyone is contemplating on what to do in the coming year. Honestly, this is the only area in my life where I did not procrastinate. I have been asking myself what I am doing in life and where do I see my life going for the whole of last year. Too many metaphorical slaps on my face, too many face palms, heartbreaks, and disappointments later, I am no closer to finding a suitable answer to my questions.

Disappointment is so disappointing. The despair that it brings is crushing; it stops you from going forward and forces you to feel bad about the choices you have made that led you to that particular disappointing moment. There have been so many such moments that my whole life feels like a failure. I can't have done wrong all the time, could I? After all, half of my decisions were not my own but where what everyone around me expected me to do.

Two years ago, I would have happily taken advise from my parents, elders, and friends. I was a very pleasing person. But that aggravated my suffering. Realising that my freedom was being compromised for the sake of others, I decided to put a stop to things the way that they were. I stopped respecting the advise and views of others coming to me. They said it was for my benefit, but I realised that my "own benefit" could benefit only if I was the one making all the decisions.

However, I am not totally independent of responsibilities or social sensibilities. Not yet, at least. I still live with my parents, I have to work hard to keep a job and earn money to live a certain way. I still have to clothe myself and keep up appearances with friends and other family. The benefit to my own well-being has come very slowly. Every day is a struggle and the despair is soul-crushing. It is not easy to live life the way only you want it. But it was never easy to make everyone happy, after all, everyone is a critic.

The biggest doubter of my own capabilities has at least been shut down. I am more confident without all that externally placed doubt on my shoulders. I have proved again and again that I am better than my doubters, and each day is a joy to prove it once more. Trust me, I'm not one to gloat but as a stubborn individual, I do enjoy my small victories. And as a dear friend would say, I love proving people wrong. I can't help putting up a mirror to the doubters and show them their own weaknesses. They can't bring me down, if I simply do not care.

I do not care about a lot of things and I can see that from my emotional detachment from people, causes and things. This detachment has been gradually increasing each year. I do fear that one day, I will not be able to feel anything and I fear what will happen that day. I hope it does not come to some drastic measure. So far, I have stayed away from any form of death or illness, but the mind is more complicated than ones own understanding.

I think that if I am able to care about small things and a couple of people, I can keep the emotional part of me alive. A good cry once every few months would help, I think. And I also hope that the people I truly love, but do not always convey my feelings to, do not give up on me. Their hope is the beacon I need to tackle my doubters and self-doubt. I feel things will be fine in the coming year. I feel that they despair will end one day. I just do not know how. For now, I can live in the ignorance of the unknown. I just tell myself that it's something to look forward to, a certain event in the future. That's the only prediction that I am 100% sure about.