That Thing Called... Love... Something....

Love makes me feel icky. 

No kidding. When I see couples walk by, it disgusts me. I can't believe that everything is as perfect as people claim. There are problems on the surface as much as the deeply buried, numerous ones. Why do people pretend to be in love? Why do they show off to the world that they are desperate to keep it together but clearly cannot do so.

I have seen people all around me change drastically for the people they are dating. Dating actually translates to "love" because casual dating is so cliche. The girl is going to ask you about marriage anyways. No escaping that. "The Future" is so important to the preservation of our sanity that we cling desperately to whoever gives is even a smidgen of attention. So shallow are our personalities.

Anyways, the rantings of an overweight, chubby woman rarely evoke any kind of reaction except dismissal. Did I mention that I also lead a loveless life? Gosh! How did I miss that?

Contrary to popular opinion, I did not push people away. The ones I do push away are obviously annoying. Why wouldn't anyone want them out of their lives? Sorry, people, but I'm not patient with "stupid". It's like slowly roasting to death. Being with people of your own intelligence is tough. They rarely know what their time and place is. They love being reckless.

So, the hurt I caused people is not on my conscience. The hurt that other people caused has been utilised for rising above bad situations. It has also been diverted towards overheating sometimes. But I'm working towards fixing that. Food, I've come to realise, doesn't have all the answers. And "42" is an elusive one. What did Douglas Adams mean when he wrote that?

Then what is one way which would allow me to accept that stupid thing called love? Sorry, but it's not easy to be convinced otherwise when all that I see and observe supports my stand. Love is a vomit-inducing idea. It's too farfetched and a human construct. 

Till I get convinced otherwise, Love = Vomit. Trust me on that!

What is Love?

I've been single for a good two years now. I really have forgotten what it was to be in love. I mean, I do remember the most common things, the light-headedness, butterflies in the stomach, curling of the toes inside your sheets...etc.

The things I miss most are the touch of the skin, the hot breathe, tracing the outline of the body through my fingers. (I'm told, I have really soft hands and magic fingers-useful for a massage.) I miss being in bed for no reason and being in "love". I miss the sneaking out, running away and laughing all the way. I miss someone not touching my hair, not kissing me, not appreciating my body when they have full access to it. I mean, I don't always like the roadside desperates who try to rape you with their eyes, but I do appreciate if someone takes an effort to take a full good look at the curves. Which girl doesn't?

I know that being with someone isn't the only thing that you should live for in this world. I have lived life with my girlfriends and friends. I have loved life being alone with myself and my thoughts. I appreciate and love my body more than often. And most days, I'm in a good enough mood to be in love with the world.

But I just wish sometimes...when my hands and imagination aren't enough...to have someone to share bodies and feelings with. I can't talk about these things openly with my friends or girlfriends because they don't always like the boldness. Sex and talking about even the fringes of it turns on some people at first but then they think that I'm overdoing it if I talk in public with the same vigour as in private. I'm no expert on it, mind you, and all I want to do is learn more about it. Education isn't all about school and getting it from the movies and books, people!