2014–2015 had been particularly challenging years. I saw a noticeable dip in my happiness metre. I was frowning more often, was stressing a lot, sprouted a few gray hair, and had been generally disillusioned with life. I guess one of the reasons was shifting jobs and adjusting to new places and management styles. Three years in my first job were quite comfortable. But barely 5 months into my third job I felt trapped. Thankfully, though, it was not just me who felt that way; all of my colleagues felt it too and quit the place one by one.
But it was not just the job taking its tool. I was fatigued, sick, and unwilling to participate in social events. It was scary, and when I feel these emotions now, I get scared again. At first, I wasn't sure of what was wrong with me. I thought that a lack of exercise was making me lethargic and gain a lot of weight. That is half the truth. The other half is the lack of mental well-being, unfortunately. That is something I still fight every day to maintain.
Though my really dark days are far behind, every time I get a hint of any darkness, I spiral downwards pretty hard. I form a cocoon around me and retreat into myself. Thankfully, it takes a lot of bad mojo to get me into a funk now. Every day, I am able to maintain my optimal measure of happiness and even spread it to friends who really need it. So, when darkness approaches me, you can bet alarm bells start ringing from miles and miles away.
Today felt like a particularly bad day. I got a lot of bad stuff thrown my way by people who "meant well" but ended up ripping my life apart. Of course, it all started with my gender and my single woman status; quickly moved on to my career choice; my financial status; what I was doing wrong; and then ultimately, what I should be doing to make my parents and others happy. Sure! My happiness does not matter in any of these matters.
It's easy to tell someone to ignore verbal abuse, hurtful criticism, bad feedback, and snide comments. The hard part is to throw it out of your head once it registers there. Gosh, I wish I was drunk when I was subjected to all that talk; I would have really loved to not remember any of it. The only solution to get over this hurt is to gradually forget about it - give it a month or two, occupy your mind with other things, and avoid the people who hurt you for a year or so. That's the best I have come up with so far. What do you think? Does it work for you too?
Thing is, when I am thinking about all this hurtful commentary on my life, I get physically sick because that is how criticism works on me. My brain gets all mopey and all my body wants to do is curl up and die. It is so difficult to get through a day with this funk going on - the struggle between your brain and your body when you try to think happy thoughts and get by. And this is why darkness is scary. Dark thoughts are always around the corner, lurking to grab me again and ruin my day. Even after promising myself that I wouldn't let them harm me, I don't know if I can keep up to it. Trudging through life one day at a time is a hard task that only people who've been through what I have gone through will understand. Or maybe everyone understands. They are just fooling innocents like me by thinking of happy thoughts and faking joy. At least they're succeeding.
