Being Set Up For Life

The past few weeks have been spent voraciously reading through books as if there was no tomorrow. Currently, books are the only thing in my life that make me feel like I'm in an adventure. This is really because there's nothing else in my life that requires as much focus and attention from me. Books really do make me feel alive. I even felt my heart skip a beat. That has not happened with anything else, as far back as I can remember.

Being single and having to work to earn a livelihood is pretty normal. Having a dysfunctional home is also pretty normal, because everything classifies as dysfunctional these days. What is normal? Even television doesn't know the answer to that. And the Bible is no longer a reference book for life.

When I see my fellow colleagues, friends, and family struggle with the people in their lives, I can't connect to them. Why doesn't everyone just tell each other the truth. I did that and some people stopped talking to me altogether. That's fine by me. If you can't handle the truth, you don't deserve to call yourself a thinking individual.

Life hasn't always treated me with kid gloves, so why should I treat others the same way? It's not my way of getting revenge at life, or avenging some stupid notion that I cooked up. I really am serious about telling the truth as you perceive it. The truth that people know if staring them in the face, but don't want to face because it proves that they were wrong.

Nothing is liberating. Only freedom is liberating, and that too is a short-lived phenomenon before we rush to comply to the rules of living. The truth is weird and never what we expect it to be. Am I sad in life, yes. The reasons: my life is pretty f----- up right now, and I'm pretty much broke. My dreams have been sidelined to address the fancies of other people. Am I angry? You bet! The blatant violation of my rights and disregard of my hard work is sure to make people livid.

Then people ask me, why am I so closed off and distant? My dear people, becoming an ice queen in life is not something I wanted. It's something I was driven to be because of all the circumstances that I couldn't always control. After all, I was also growing up during that time and wasn't any wiser about how I could live my life.

I don't remember if I ever really loved anyone: boyfriend, family or friend. It's because I don't have any emotional bonds with any of them that make me want to do absolutely anything for them. My commitment to each person in my life has a limit that I will not exceed, no matter what the case. It's not me being an ice queen. It's just me trying to survive. I'm not suicidal because I really really value my life over that of others. So, this is my animal instinct, and nothing beats it.

So, why is it that people don't understand this simple argument? Because all of us have been under false expectations that some parts of life are really a party. Life has various parties, but it is never an endless party. Rich people worry about their riches, poor people worry about their lives. Everyone has good memories that help them through the tough times. In spite of inequalities, people get by because that is what they have always done. So, why try to make my life any different?

I do have dreams that I wish to fulfill during my time here. It's just that I have many impediments such as "commitments". Getting rid of all these commitments has not been easy, and I'm not even half-way done. I have a long way to go before I can get to life live the way I want it to be. It doesn't help that I'm going to turn 26 in September and I still haven't done much to get ahead in life.

I await the day when I will truly be free. That sentence does not have any metaphorical intentions. I really want to be emotionally and physically free. Every day I dream of this future of mine gives me hope to live on. There's much in life I am yet to experience and a dreary existence is the last thing I want to continue doing. 

Of Photographs and Memories...

I've always wanted to do a photo essay and have looked at various themes and photos, trying to piece them together into a tale. I found that this is a very time-consuming and painstaking exercise and I need time for it. And since I'm a procrastinator by genetics, I present to you my first closest attempt at a photo essay.

All of these pictures are of Kerala, my home state. While I have many more beautiful pictures and fond memories of the places in Kerala, I thought I'd start with these pictures. They're of my most recent visit (last year). 

Hope you enjoy these as much I enjoyed taking them.

Sunset in Nellambur, Kerala. This was outside the home of a cousin of mine. Nestled between the mountains, Nellambur is an absolute paradise.

This is similar to a lot of roads in Kerala. I just wanted one to remind myself of how country roads compare to city roads. 

If I had to have a house in the lap of nature, I want it to be exactly like this one. Small, beautiful and homely.

Believe it or not, Photoshop brought my grandparents closer after their deaths. They don't have a pic together when they were alive.

Sunset again. I really love sunsets!

Roses planted by my mom.

My nephew Alvin. He's an Australian now.

My niece who's a semi-Kuwaiti.

The veins and branches spread outwards from this more than a century-old tree and provide shade to many a weary soul.

A decorated altar, common to many orthodox churches in Kerala.

One from the flock.

And this is the century-old tree in multicolour.

A church in Manarcad, Kerala

My mother is a nature buff and always wants to pose next to plants or flowers. 

Don't Drag Me Down Yet...

There are some days when I'm really happy and I don't have to care about what the world and the people in it are going through. Though these days are few and far in between, I still manage to have days like these at least a couple of times a year. The rest of the days, I'm either too sad to think about anything, or I'm one of the crowd whom other people don't care about. Most of the days, it's the latter.

I learned long ago that life is smokes and mirrors all through and through. Without mincing words, I know that very few people care about what goes in each others' lives even though they might be best of friends. Well, it's human nature to be selfish and it's also becoming the trend. I am one of such people too, after all. I don't care about the lives of people beyond a handful of closest family, friends and "arch" enemies. I find the trifles of other people a burden on my intellect. There seriously are better things in life to do.

Drats then that I'm a sympathetic person. No matter how much I try not to care, I end up caring. In the long run, I don't always remember people and faces nor their stories, but for the time that they know me, I am one of the best-or worst-psychologist/adviser/listener. Of course it depends on what you take of my advise, how you think of me as a person, and what kind of advise I give you.

Most of the times, it's just rehashed things I learnt from Oprah. (God, that woman's wonderful!) But because I care about people in that moment, I try to give as solid an advise as I can. I make sure it's practical, has long-term effects that'll be helpful to the person concerned and it should involve as little anger as possible. The one thing I hate most in this world is anger. Why can't people smile and laugh like children? Learn to be more like them?

We'll always have trouble wherever we go which we can't run away from. Sometimes it bogs you down, sometimes it takes you a long time to recover but there's always an end to it. You need people around you but you can only have people when you care about them. Keep a handful of people close to you for all the protection, security and love you need. At times they'll be irritating as hell, at other times you'll be the ass to them. The one thing to remember is that as long as there's a mutual understanding of that, you're fine. When you sink, people will lend you a hand and pull you up. Just remember to return the gesture when they need a pull-up.