Friends Without Benefits (?)

After my post about smart television programming ("I Feel Smart After Watching"), I was confident about watching more TV. Well, let's just say I was being too optimistic in my post.

Now, I am an intelligent person. I've cleared my school and graduation with good enough scores and even flirted with being one of the toppers in class. But I've never been selfish enough to want the first to tenth places in class. I always gave these posts to people who needed it more than me :) I'm such a kind person.

Recently, Sony Pix showed the rom-com "Friends with Benefits". And I have to say that I felt fit to join a nunnery after watching it. I know! A movie about casual sex that makes me pious in my dirty, old mind? The world is coming to an end! APOCALYPSE NOW!

First off, let me tell you what the movie showed. Girl brings guy to town for new job, they become friends, she helps him fall in love with New York (blah blah!), they get drunk one night and make a deal to have sex with no emotions. And this is where the movie started with the actual story. But just as soon as they make this pact, the next scene shows them apologising to each other about the weirdness in their friendship because of the sex.

Wait a  mintue. WHAT? TWO seconds after they make the pact, they've had sex and are apologetic about it? My first thought, who the hell has sex so fast? Even with cinema's exaggeration of time, two seconds of sex is just a bit TOO fast.

And to add more confusion to the viewer, after the apologising scene, the next scene is of the girl's mother talking to a Justin Timberlake in briefs. Mila Kunis comes into the room in a bathrobe, hair in disarray. And the mother starts throwing dirty looks but gives her approval of her daughter's casual sex life.

Wait another firggin' minute! Weren't they just apologising to each other about their awkward sex (which the Indian audience only could imagine had happened), and saying that they won't do it again? Then how come Timberlake was half-naked in her house again? When did they agree to start having sex again? And how much time did it take them? Talk about a quick rebound!

You know how the movie "When Harry Met Sally" had this question about how men and women can't be friends? If you're an Indian watching English entertainment channels on cable or DTH, you better believe it.

You are taught to believe that men and women should be friends till they're forced to marry each other, create a sexual partnership within days of getting married, and squirt out babies! Aarghh! I know my parents, teachers, religion, and society teach me that sex is a sin and pleasure is bad but COME ON! Let me at least watch my movies in peace!

Now, I don't watch porn because I choose not to. It turns me off! When "The Reader" came out, I was curious by the press it was creating about Kate Winslet's Oscar nomination and all, and thought I should see it. However, those who'd seen it said that I'd have to download it as Indian screens would take aeons to release it. (Fact: The movie came out in 2008 but it still hasn't released in India.)

           

Sad to say, apart from the parts where Ralph Fiennes meets her in jail, the courtroom sessions the kid attends, and Kate Winslet's acting when she was wearing clothes; I did not find anything in the movie that was worth the hype and the Oscar. But "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? Now that was a movie for which both Jim Carrey and Winslet should have been awarded! Brilliant acting, a story that blows your mind, and a message for the weary soul in us that gave up on love after a bad break-up. "Eternal Sunshine..." still haunts me in an absolutely beautiful way, and reassures me that being human is about being human.

The summary of what I started to say in this blogpost is that my morality is my own to monitor. Why should someone impose it on me? Sony Pix should not have screened "Friends with Benefits" at all if it were to remove all the "benefits" parts. Screen more Christian-themed movies, you moralists, and I shall revoke my subscription. Screen animated movies like "The Smurfs", "The Muppets", etc., so that everyone subscribes to the idea of enforced morality endorsed by a handful of religious fanatics!

And give me freedom to download movies, serials, books, documentaries which you don't have the balls to screen in this beautiful country of mine! Don't ban Piratebay, Vimeo, and others. They provide us with avenues of independent, and different thought that few filmmakers in India take on. I can't go back to college to get a taste of parallel or "banned" cinema! I have a job to do in the morning, and my weekends to appreciate the good cinema in the world. Don't force me to criticise your idotic policymaking in my free time! But don't worry, I will still take time to do it :)

Some Questions I Seek Answers For...

Have you ever tried to help people? If you have, have you ever had tomatoes thrown at you by the same people who wanted help? If not, can you tell me how you help people out because my methods clearly don't work!

Me trying to help is often like being alone at sea. Calm for a while, roaring waters later on.

 Time and again, one distraught friend after another has asked me for advise simply because I was the only one present. As an individual, I usually stay away from conflict creation but inevitably find myself at the heart of conflict resolution. Even after wishing to not be in a situation, I end up being in one.

Though this isn't a comment about all my attempts at relationships with boys, this is a view of how terribly I need to learn how to be a more diplomatic person rather than a caregiver.

I have mentioned before that I have made attempts at mending relations between friends who had love troubles, friends who needed an ear to relieve their problems, parents who needed to vent, and teachers who tried hard to change me. As a result of being a confidante for many friends and family, I have all these jumbled up stories in my memory palace. I'm not a fan of gossip in the way Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye now. Nor do I like tales of who's sleeping with whom and how many times. But I do get to hear such stories against my will.

And this is why I need to learn how to develop it the other way round.

I want to tell a friend that she's making a terrible mistake by dating a guy who cheats on her. I want to be able to smack this guy's face, leave a print of my palm on his bony face, and make her realize that he is not the one she's been told to believe is the Mr. Right. She needs to know and understand that I don't want her to waste her time on a futile romance when it holds no future and is based on the idea of "settling down because there's no one else right now."

I also want to tell a hopeless romantic friend that her day will come. Till then she needs to be strong and face all oppositions. Most importantly, she needs to stand strong. She needs to believe in fate and stars if she wants to. She needs to believe in God or a higher power, if that gives her solace. There is someone out there for her is the advise she gets. However, what I want her to believe in instead is that she is a one-of-a-kind gem. I'd love to make her realize that I'm proud of having her as a friend and that all that's happened is in the past. (No amount of cyber-stalking will help her cause.) Till her day comes, I want her to know that she'll have friends like me to support her in any way. And that I love her.

To two of the first people I ever met, I want to tell them that they're together for more than just two reasons: my brother and I. I wish I could make them realise that I would love them more if they made an attempt to understand each other instead of giving in to traditional roles and expectations. Every time a situation arises, I wish they'd talk to each other instead of letting feelings and thoughts fester inside them. In this case though, sometimes I think I need "Age" more than the acquired "Wisdom" to settle them down.

I want to tell someone that I don't love them and have never done so. What happened was idiotic and a mistake. How could I correct it? I don't have a time machine and even that we know doesn't work. (The Time Machine and Big Bang Theory tell us so.) How do I tell this person that I don't require their attention? That I have a life I love which doesn't include them. How do I let this person down easy? How do I prevent them from not being sad?

Looking for answers...

I'd like to tell the world that I need to meet more like-minded people. Why won't you send such people my way? Why do I have to deal with people who don't understand my jokes, who can't help me increase my knowledge, who let me down by being too normal? Why are people I enjoy spending time with so far and away, scattered across the globe? Being one in a crowd is not so fun if you have to stoop down to the level of others. And attempts at making them rise above themselves is always met with derision. Why aren't there any songs about this? I guess if there were songs for this, they wouldn't understand.

These are some of the questions I wanted to get out of the way and into the universe. Universe, now it's your turn to handle them. Of course I need answers. Answers that don't require me going to a remote monastery in the Himalayan mountains and meditating for days. Answers that can be worked upon together, that is, if I don't piss off the people above.

Of Photographs and Memories...

I've always wanted to do a photo essay and have looked at various themes and photos, trying to piece them together into a tale. I found that this is a very time-consuming and painstaking exercise and I need time for it. And since I'm a procrastinator by genetics, I present to you my first closest attempt at a photo essay.

All of these pictures are of Kerala, my home state. While I have many more beautiful pictures and fond memories of the places in Kerala, I thought I'd start with these pictures. They're of my most recent visit (last year). 

Hope you enjoy these as much I enjoyed taking them.

Sunset in Nellambur, Kerala. This was outside the home of a cousin of mine. Nestled between the mountains, Nellambur is an absolute paradise.

This is similar to a lot of roads in Kerala. I just wanted one to remind myself of how country roads compare to city roads. 

If I had to have a house in the lap of nature, I want it to be exactly like this one. Small, beautiful and homely.

Believe it or not, Photoshop brought my grandparents closer after their deaths. They don't have a pic together when they were alive.

Sunset again. I really love sunsets!

Roses planted by my mom.

My nephew Alvin. He's an Australian now.

My niece who's a semi-Kuwaiti.

The veins and branches spread outwards from this more than a century-old tree and provide shade to many a weary soul.

A decorated altar, common to many orthodox churches in Kerala.

One from the flock.

And this is the century-old tree in multicolour.

A church in Manarcad, Kerala

My mother is a nature buff and always wants to pose next to plants or flowers. 

I Feel Smart After Watching TV

And my father would laugh like a hyena then snort in derision like a mad elephant.

Television is famously notorious as the "idiot box" and at times I have felt my brain cells die after watching TV. But not everything on TV's bad. And I want to enlighten you on a couple of show, and the reasons why, I love television.

Let me also say that none of the programmes I'll talk about are Indian.

BBC One's Sherlock
Love it!

This is an intelligent, no-nonsense, British production which puts Sherlock Holmes and James Watson in modern London with wacky and seemingly unsolvable crimes. In the portrayal of the characters, and in the stories, it is very close to the books. As a fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's works, I have to say that this series is as good as the books and short stories. 

I didn't enjoy the Harry Potter or Narnia movies as much as the books. The reason I liked Peter Jackson's "Return of the King" was because the last novel was giving me so much sleep that I never managed to finish Sam's boring narration of his marital life in the very end. (Plus, I was reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy in the middle of my 10th Board exams!) Let's just say Jackson won the last round of the LoTR versus Tolkien for me. The other two books are better than the movies. 

Most other books usually win too. In the case of Sherlock though, there's NOTHING that I don't like and love. The best thing about the series is that it always surprises and shocks you. Which is why when you figure out things in the end, you feel smart. :) Or at least you want to feel so.

The camera is smart, editing is tight, acting is superb and the interwoven stories make it one of the best things ever made. Each episode is as long as a full-length movie and there is NEVER a dull moment. It's just a very very interesting maze of surprises and smartness. I liked Martin Freeman's work before seeing him as Watson, and I'd seen Jude Law's version before this. I was sceptical of Freeman as the trusty Watson because I'd only seen him as a good comic actor. And come on, Jude Law! But he blew me away! And Benedict Cumberbatch! He knocks Robert Downey Jr.'s performance right out of the grounds! The madness, the snide remarks, the plain disregard for people is better portrayed here than in the two Sherlock Holmes movies.

The ONLY downside is, they don't make enough of these in a year. Because each episode is almost an hour and a half long each, they release only 3 episodes each year. And after 6 episodes in two years, I can't wait for 2013 already! I'm at the point of memorizing each dialogue, really!

MasterChef Australia

When you hear "reality TV", you expect cursing, cursing, and a lot of bleeping. Not this. This one makes me smile :)

I know, "smile", right? No other program which involves people under pressure, judges and a big prize should make you smile. People end up cursing and bleeping under pressure and there's always a lot of crying, wailing and blaming someone or the other. This series though, is polite. And I think these three are the only gentlemen judges there ever are going to be!

Watching MasterChef Australia is a delight. The contestants are relatable people with relatable dreams and real enough problems in the way. They need the money and their dreams to succeed. And you want each and every one of them to win. Because they remind you of you.

In two seasons of the show that were aired in India, there was never a curse word, nor a bleep-moment. And I was shocked and repulsed when I attempted to watch Gordon Ramsey's MasterChef America. He just kills my brain cells and blasts my ear drums. I couldn't watch even 5 minutes of the American version. Through the Australian series, I learned more about Australia and a couple of English words. And oh, I also learned some table manners :)

There should be more such shows and movies on TV which cater to the masses (or a set of them) and are worth every penny put into making them. We have smart writers in our country, so why aren't we making smarter TV? Why do we spend years and lakhs of rupees on the bitching of mothers-in-laws of the country? Why do we make regressive television time and again? I used to enjoy Kaun Banega Crorepati till they involved contestants' stories into it. I mean, come on, I used to watch the show just to increase my general knowledge, not cry for some poor bloke and his hardships. We have the saas-bahu serials for crying, don't we!

If you think there are more shows or movies that should find a mention here, that make you smarter and makes your parents shut up by its pure awesomeness, leave a comment. (30 Rock, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Psych, Batman animated series, Dexter's Laboratory....to name a few.) My dad didn't open his mouth once during Sherlock and both my parents are addicted to MasterChef because they don't flinch at each bleep sound as there is none! The bleeps are one reason why I stopped subscribing to MTV, etc., and prefer to download any explicit series, then watch it under the cover of darkness.

More smart TV, I say! That should be a fundamental right.

Why I Support Cottage Industries But Can't Friggin' Afford Them

I support and (insert heart symbol) cottage industries. They're a great way to help communities and local craftsmen, along with preserving art and heritage. Handicrafts are what India and most local communities world over made a living off of. They are windows and doors to our rich, unique, and innumerable cultures. Each handicraft item carries the soul of the creator because you know that some unnamed person's sweat, blood and love went into it.

Which is also why handicrafts and cottage industry items are so expensive!

I am one of those persons who can rock a Batman-print T-shirt with geeky gracefulness and on other occasions, slaughter Indian manners in a salwar kameez. I don't have a particular liking for any type of clothing. Just that I like to wear clothes, sometimes I don't, and I sometimes like buying new clothes. I also like donating my old clothes because I feel my love flowing through it. Each cloth is a story of moments spent in it. Each item in my wardrobe carries wishes, experiences, hopes and comments from the public.

And yes, this article is now veering toward the direction of clothing and this is where some people will switch off. But I assure you there'll be talk of BOOBS! SEX! PORN!

Kidding. That's just me throwing random words. There'll be no talk of the above capitalized words further on in the article.

Going back to handwoven hand-stitched clothes, there's nothing more than a fitted kurta to accentuate my breasts. (Oops!) Girly girls have always told me this and so have my mother and father, but in not such a blatant way. Yes, I've been blessed with good assets. Yes, I kill their "effect" when I hide them under a loose T-shirt. And yes, I get scolded for the same.

Thing is though, I can't always afford to buy or stitch kurtas from materials which are handloom. They cost a bomb. For example, I was in the market looking for a plain white kurta. I looked at a couple of places. I started in W and discovered that the one there cost over Rs.1200. (No freaking way!!) I went to a local shop in Lajpat Nagar's Central Market and the seller showed one for Rs.290. This may not have been pure cotton and was machine-produced in most likely a dingy shop. I went to another store which specialises in Chikan work kurtas, tops, salwars, pajamas, etc. They showed me a couple of options starting from Rs.450 onwards.

Now, like all good etiquettes that mothers pass on to daughters, my mother passed on the love of pearls and Chikan to me. I love anything that is adorned with Chikan craft, and it's one of the few girly indulgences of mine.

But here's a question I should pose to you now before I go babbling more about my love for Chikan. Which kurta would you opt for, and they're all equally beautiful kurtas but with different prices? Would you go for brand, or the cheapest, or for something that carries an old craft tradition of hand stitched perfection and grace?

If you want to know what I opted for, prepare for a lesson in my love for Chikan work! No, I'm kidding.

The reason I went for the not-so-cheap but not-so-expensive-either Chikan kurta is because I can afford to indulge in it right now. When I was in college, I wasn't supporting my love for handicrafts outrightly so because I simply couldn't afford to. I'd be seen wearing Rs.100 machine-printed and made in dingy sweatshop kurtas because I needed to save money. That's how I did my math back then. Now I do it differently with plastic cards of greed.

What I'm trying to say is that, I love all things handicraft and would love nothing more than to support local artisans and rural communities and villages which support such crafts still. There are patrons and buyers too, but there are techniques of art which are very remote and hard to accomplish. And the latter are slowly dying.

When I go to state emporiums and trade fairs, in the Kerala stalls at least, I notice a lot of kasavu saris and clothes (cotton saris with golden borders which are a trademark of Kerala). I'm sure there are more tribal clothing which should also be displayed. Well, where are they? Why aren't their crafts and jewellery displayed? Actually, where are the tribals in Kerala?

Each question poses more questions: Have I made it large? Not a large peg but a large enough problem to be discussed and worked upon? There's nothing more satisfying than to get people uneasy about the problems we face and how best to solve them. Of course, there are a lot more questions and issues in the handicrafts industry which I haven't even touched upon yet: the middleman, the plight of workers, labour wages, working conditions, state's role in supporting them, funds for cottage industries, whether the profits/benefits are reaching the artisans, where to get more artisans from, where to find patronage.... Like I said, loads of questions, so little words, so less time.

If there's anything that you do to support cottage industries your own way, please let me know. If there's anything that pissed you off in the above, thank you, and drop a comment or let me know. I hope I gave you something to think about though.

Why Do We Live by a Beauty Myth?

Naomi Wolf in her book ‘The Beauty Myth’ says, “In assigning value to women in a vertical hierarchy according to a culturally imposed physical standard, it is an expression of power relations in which women must unnaturally compete for resources that men have appropriated for themselves.” There is no better way to realise this than the billion dollar cosmetics industry and the equally widespread fashion industry. If in New York, a woman has the 'freedom' to wear calf-skin Prada boots, a single mother in Seelampur and Manila has to give up hers by spending all the time she can to stitch clothing for the ambitious women of New York.

It's not fair. Pun intended.

Beauty is a factor that really shouldn't have anything to do with your intelligence. However, it does. I read a study which claimed that being beautiful meant that you would be smart too because genetics is on your side.

I think that's a load of crap. I remember watching the episode of "30 Rock" where Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) meets this cute doctor (played by Jon Hamm) who is really handsome and everyone in the world is nice to him and gives him whatever he wants. On the other hand, he is as dumb as....as....well, George W. Bush. I'm not comparing dumb people to rocks or animals as both are smarter than him.

So "30 Rock" showed that while beautiful people may have their way and the world trips over its own laces to follow and praise them, they really can't do shit! (I mean, not all of them would have constipation problems or piles, but I can hope for it, can't I?) The world is built on the toil, burden and humiliation of normal and "ugly" people. If we weren't tortured enough for being dark,weak, being ugly, or fat, or nerdy etc., I don't think we'd have worked even harder to make a name.

While not all of us normal folks have made a name for ourselves, we certainly are the factor, the coal bearers in this cruel cruel world. Without us, there'd be dirty toilets, dishes, garbage everywhere, no fancy apartments,  shit on the road, and no beautiful clothes too.

So while you wear that expensive Prada or Ritu Kumar, bear in mind the labour behind it. The circle of life isn't a song you can sing in a Disney movie and win an Oscar for. It's crap and it's a hell to be stuck in. Think of the woman in Seelampur or fighting her way through the jungle to escape in Maoist villages death and hunger. Think of these not-beautiful thoughts when you think you are not beautiful enough for the world.

New Love Stories Part II

Read Part I here: http://herethis-therethat.blogspot.in/2011/04/new-love-stories.html

The prince searched among his virtual friend list and also in all his friends of friends' list. With all the Photoshopped images as profile pictures, it was hard for him to figure out which one was the girl he had dreamt of. He didn't want to masturbate in the shower by himself again. He needed a girl. But the girls he knew wanted gifts and sex wasn't a topic that was discussed much. Because of his father's religious connections, he only had access to sex workers and (fake) horny daughters of the congregation.

He wanted nothing of them. The prince wanted a girl who loved him for what he was. Who would accept his cute little beer belly and not push him towards dieting and drinking karela (bitter gourd) juice, who wouldn't make him watch Shilpa Shetty yoga videos, and who didn't always run to the diamond section of a jewellery store on a date.

The prince hoped that the girl he dreamt of was nothing like his cruel ex-girlfriends. He hoped that this time round, his heart wouldn't be broken and he would finally find love. Or make her come at least once, as he was good at a hand job.

Making full abuse of his rich father's powers, the prince summoned a sketch artist who had to come running from a suspect sketching section. The prince described in detail the boobs and the ass of the girl of his dreams, adding other tiny details like eyes, nose, face structure etc. With very little to go on, the sketch artist still managed to make a girl and not a Playboy Bunny out of the prince's descriptions. When he showed it to the prince, the prince was ecstatic. "You have it right!" he shouted with joy. "Now I need to just find her."

Luckily for the prince, one of his friend who was an obnoxious asshole but a school mate of PizzaLover123, was visiting him at that exact moment. He instantly recognized from the boobs that the prince was talking about PizzaLover123. That's because the boobs were real and not silicon like the prince and he were used to. The prince's friend gave him all the details of where to find her and what she liked. And that very night, the prince and his friend departed to see PizzaLover123.

Meanwhile in her bedroom, PizzaLover123 was pinning over a poster of Johnny Depp as she kept touching herself. It had been months since she'd seen some action in that region. Her father was always suspicious of the guys she hung out with, so for her winter holidays, she had been staying indoors and watching TV a lot. However, tomorrow, her college would start for the fresh term and she would go back to ogling at the guys from the hotel management institute. There was a paucity of choice as the MBA institute right next to her college was only admitting engineering graduates who were all super horny geeks with no hands-on experience in female anatomy but great interest, however.

Now, we cannot always know what goes on in a girl's mind, and PizzaLover123 was very good at hiding her emotions. Or so she thought. She wanted a lover, a boyfriend, a husband, a friend, a confidante and an honest person. And there was no chance in hell that Jesus was resurrecting anytime in this century. So she had to contend with the choices that life gave her. And these were not always the best of the lot. The ones she was with were infact good people but she could not see beyond their exterior cover, beyond what their hands were capable of doing to her. She could not see what they thought in their minds or how they felt in their heart. She was always reminded of the devil that gave her the highest pleasure and shame.

(More to come in Part III)

Read Part III here: http://herethis-therethat.blogspot.in/2013/02/new-love-stories-part-iii.html

Read Part IV here: http://herethis-therethat.blogspot.in/2013/03/new-love-stories-part-iv.html

Read Part V here: http://herethis-therethat.blogspot.in/2013/03/new-love-stories-part-v.html

Don't Drag Me Down Yet...

There are some days when I'm really happy and I don't have to care about what the world and the people in it are going through. Though these days are few and far in between, I still manage to have days like these at least a couple of times a year. The rest of the days, I'm either too sad to think about anything, or I'm one of the crowd whom other people don't care about. Most of the days, it's the latter.

I learned long ago that life is smokes and mirrors all through and through. Without mincing words, I know that very few people care about what goes in each others' lives even though they might be best of friends. Well, it's human nature to be selfish and it's also becoming the trend. I am one of such people too, after all. I don't care about the lives of people beyond a handful of closest family, friends and "arch" enemies. I find the trifles of other people a burden on my intellect. There seriously are better things in life to do.

Drats then that I'm a sympathetic person. No matter how much I try not to care, I end up caring. In the long run, I don't always remember people and faces nor their stories, but for the time that they know me, I am one of the best-or worst-psychologist/adviser/listener. Of course it depends on what you take of my advise, how you think of me as a person, and what kind of advise I give you.

Most of the times, it's just rehashed things I learnt from Oprah. (God, that woman's wonderful!) But because I care about people in that moment, I try to give as solid an advise as I can. I make sure it's practical, has long-term effects that'll be helpful to the person concerned and it should involve as little anger as possible. The one thing I hate most in this world is anger. Why can't people smile and laugh like children? Learn to be more like them?

We'll always have trouble wherever we go which we can't run away from. Sometimes it bogs you down, sometimes it takes you a long time to recover but there's always an end to it. You need people around you but you can only have people when you care about them. Keep a handful of people close to you for all the protection, security and love you need. At times they'll be irritating as hell, at other times you'll be the ass to them. The one thing to remember is that as long as there's a mutual understanding of that, you're fine. When you sink, people will lend you a hand and pull you up. Just remember to return the gesture when they need a pull-up.

Tried Being a Girl....and I Liked It! ;)

I have always wondered what it's like to be a girl.

Don't get me wrong. I know I am a species of the female gender but beyond that, the identities that one is supposed to identify with, was always a mystery. From what I remember of Sociology in school and Political Science in college, I know that identity is a major part of who we are as a person and plays a vital role in our development, socially and psychologically. Identity differentiates the terrorist from the socialite and helps one understand why people are the way they are.

Which brings us to the question that was always in my mind when I started with my "social life". As a carefree child, identifying with "girldom" was not so important. In fact the mere thought of it didn't even think of crossing my mind. (Thank you Douglas Adams.) So I played like children, got dirty, had my knees scraped to the bone, was thrown out of class for talking a lot and wondered (a lot) about what happens beneath a skirt and what lives inside pants.

When I started watching television and saw the characters and the cliches, I wondered how girls are. What are they made of? (Sugar and spice and everything nice?) What do they like? Why do they talk in cryptic tongues? Why did they get sad or happy suddenly? Why did they need men?

All this is very interesting when viewed from an anthropological perspective. As an embedded observer, I did get quite a lot of insight from unsuspecting girl friends, their friends and sworn enemies. I came up with a lot of theories which were proven right and then wrong. The research took years and everything that I thought was "the answer" would sometimes not apply. No hypothesis was the final one. My own knowledge was constantly questioned and doubted upon. And I always thought, "How could I be wrong?"

Well as it turns out, you are only as good a scientist when you know you are one. Before that, you are a researcher constantly coming up with data and analysis but not getting to the point. On the subject of girls, science takes a back seat but everything has to be viewed logically. Logic and reason are key factors that govern the lives of girls. I realize that general thought doesn't support that but it's true. Girls think multiple times of the consequences of their actions. Which is why they are a mystery to the people who take split second decisions easily.

And then I thought, being logical comes easy to me, why doesn't being a girl?

The answer: Don't overthink it.

We're people as well, a little higher on the IQ ladder than our peers and with loads of experience. We're also prone to using our brains to their limit which is why analysis is easy. It's just that our expertise has been used in areas like making the correct amount of food for a family that can last two days without wastage. And I also managed to figure out the skirts and pants issue,  in the end :) In that department too, I advise: Don't overthink it.

Well I tried being a girl and it was fun. I tried to not think too hard and I got the chance to clear my mind a bit. While my analytic side bores some people to death, my girly side gives people a good time as well. The attempt to be the best of both worlds is not easy but it's not so tough either. Also, there's no such thing as a balance. So, I just "apply" different theorem when the occasion demands. God, sometimes science is fun! And being a girl, oh hell yeah! 

Break-Up's a Bitch, Take It Out to Ice-Cream!

For those who've been there, and been through that, break-ups are not easy. Sometimes you want to kill. Somtimes you want to let it go. And then again sometimes you want to wipe them off the face of this earth. All natural and normal emotions, I agree but I agree more with the third. No, actually not.

Ok, no, I think I do agree with that.

Ok, no, I don't.

Kidding, as I sometimes do, break-ups are very serious and I hate dealing with them. Mostly I hate dealing with others' break-ups. Please don't call me if you're breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, I hate consoling people and I honestly have better things to do in life. (Like catch the latest episode of "Modern Family", for example, even though they don't do jokes anymore.) It sucks even more when the person who's going through a break-up is you. I'm not a sucker for consoling as it is, and the only thing I hate more than that is going to someone to be consolde. Yuck!

My way of dealing with a break-up is SILENCE. I guess I ignore the problem into oblivion. But oblivion isn't real and ignorance turns to "awkward situations" more often than I'd like it. Getting attached to someone is bad only when you know that the relationship is coming to an end and there will be no baby-talk (hurrah for that, I guess...?), no whispering into the phone at night, no lunches/dinners etc., etc. Being single for only as long as you want to is AWESOME. But the tough thing is when to finally make the sucking episode end.

So, brothers and sisters in break-up world- Wait, I shouldn't call you all "brother and sister" if you're single and out there. Means I have a flimsy chance with any one of you. Anyway, point being that being single for as long as I've been now, I can't say that I haven't wanted to kick someone's ass in public. More than a million times actually!! I've practiced air kicking and imaginary but fatal karate chops to the necks of my bozos. I've learned kung fu and krav maga from TV and imagined myself applying those.

But the real question is, have I got anywhere with this?

Imaginary self-defence or not, now my face does seem scary to perverts and they've kept their distance. Also, I've learned that the best way to deal with a break-up would be ice-cream or a new diet plan (keeping my weight-conscious sisters in mind). So even though I want to kick your face off, you bozo, I'm not going to. I don't want to spill my ice cream (or fat-free salad) and I certainly plan to enjoy it for as long as I like.

Singletons, life isn't simple and that's the bitchin' fact. Bitchin' can be fun too, you know. Being a bitch means not taking anyone's shit on your face. But there can be some"talking behind your back" stuff going on. What the hell! My ovaries (I use them here as a reference to the female equivivalent of "balls") are stronger than steel and can take on any "back-talk". And they certainly can handle break-ups, no matter how hard they seem to be at first.

The sun will shine, day after day. And so will the moon.

Things I Miss....

Most of the things I miss I can't even write down here!

No, seriously. Kidding aside, there are very few things I miss as I'm not a materialistic person. I'm more of "keep the money in the the bank" sorts. Which is why I'm happy with whatever I get. But it's rarely that I "get" things so I've even little expectations of things.

Things don't make me happy and sometimes I wish they did. When you don't get satisfaction by being someone's friend, lover, partner, advisor, spouce, etc., where do you go? What do you do? Well, most normal engage in retail therapy or look for "things" outside the relationship. Since I do neither, I write.

So maybe writing is my "things outside of the relationship". When I'm angry at a friend for not being a friend, I write. When I'm frustrated at the world, I write. When I'm happy after watching a good movie, I write.

But before writing, I guess, I dream. Dreaming is so important for me that I never wonder what I would have been like had I not been dreaming my whole life. Dreaming is the one thing that keeps me going on with any and all of the mundane stuff of life. It is my "ship" that carries me across the rivers of despair, happiness, boredom, excitement, waiting etc. And my dreams are as vivid as they come. They rarely make sense when I try to tell them to people. And for some weird reason, I can't tell my dreams to people no matter how hard I try. They just don't let themselves be expressed! Meanwhile, I can express anything and everything in my life.

So I guess I answered my question. Things I miss...I wish my friends dreamed more like me. They could get over their problems really quickly and be good friends and good people. I guess I also discovered the secret to "World Peace"! Voila! Where's my Nobel?

When there are stories, there are no listeners

Many a times I have wanted to tell a tale. Many a times I have been politely and bluntly, told to shut it. But being hyperimaginative and very restless in mind (it's not a medical condition), I can hardly rest until the story reaches a climax. At least in my head!

I am the kind of person that likes making up stuff because there isn't much interesting to do in the world to keep oneself busy. And just like Agatha Christie dreamt of Poirot while washing dishes, people like me need a thought or two, to keep busy while the potatoes boil and the onions are crisped.

While there is still a solution to write off ones stories on paper or on blogs (like this one here), it is very seldom that people want to listen to your life's stories. People are interested if it's about sex, or drugs, or chicks/dudes (whichever they "dig"), or money, or humour, or gossip-worthy...in short, if it doesn't excite them, it's not worth spending time listening to.

Sad to say, I have few friends. It's even sadder that my friends have fickle hearing when it comes to hearing out my hyperimagination. So in a sense, ALL my stories lose importance. It becomes difficult when at times there's a lot on your mind and you just want to get it all off your chest. But where do you go when your friends won't hear you out?

I say, screw them!

Now, let me make it clear that Google isn't paying me money to promote their blogs but I am biased towards it, more because I'm a "writing" person than a "talking" person, unlike most of my friends. So I type instead of dialing a number. (I also save up on talktime a lot!)

But let me tell you, friends: Next time I look bummed out, ask me how I am because I always ask you how you are. Don't wait till you see a blog like this.

Also, I'm not a psychic and I'm not expecting you to be either. But can I at least be made to think of you as a fellow human being?

What do you say, people?

New Love Stories

I know that every time in my life that I have decided to start writing a novel or an article, I have distractions. Even before having thought of the subject of the article, I am seen procrastinating. It's not something I should be proud of. However, since it's something that I've acquired with experience, I'm not gonna let it go any soon.

But I know that my mind concocts all kinds of stories and scenarios which are so very interesting! Unfortunately, my brain's too fast for my hands. I can't type nor write at the speed of light and in the matter of concentration, my brain has severe ADHD. There's no cure for it as medication only calms my nerves which furthers procrastination... Savvy?

Now what if I were to tell you that I have a love story for you? It's something that I've taken from real life and given it a spin coz things rarely come true in real life but you can do whatever you want in your dreams and fantasies. And in your novels too.

There was once this girl who had been having a dry run when it came to the matter of boys. Boys liked her but girls didn't. However, the boys that liked her never seemed to be able to tell her that they liked her. For it seems, that that girl had a terrible curse upon her!

The name of this girl was PizzaLover123. When she was very little, a man came to her, touched her tiny little unformed boobs and scared the living daylights out of her. Scared that she might get raped if she didn't run soon, she ran. Obviously her little hands or legs were incapable of kicking the scary man's hideous gonads, she ran and ran. But the hideous bastard caught up with her. He pinned her to the ground and felt her. After feeling her tiny little body fully, he said to her, "I have spoiled you. Every time you are with a man whom you like, you will think about me. You will also never be able to identify the men who fall for you! This is your curse!"

As an afterthought he added, "Oh, by the way, you shall also be infamous as a feminist so men will be repulsed by you. Ha ha ha ha ha!"

And so laughing in a cruel way, he left PizzaLover123 in deep thought. Though she didn't understand 85% of the words he had said, she knew that she would never be able to forget his face. Though his face would cause anyone to vomit, his actions had caused her to have an orgasm and ejaculate. And she was only 7 years old!

Many years passed since that day and PizzaLover123 grew to be a medium-height, slender-figured girl. She did leave a few hearts a flutter as she bounced and jumped around but those days she wasn't wearing a bra. After her friends convinced her to be bound to the constraints of a bra and panty, PizzaLover123 saw fewer boys and wouldn't go out much. She became afraid that guys might notice her nipples or bra seams and make fun of her body and her sex.

So PizzaLover123 grew lonely day by day. She went to school like normal kids would, joined in most of the school activities, learned music and dance, and made a lot of friends. However, unknown to her, her feelings towards even her friends weren't everlasting. She made friends who would remain for a year or two but then leave them behind and make new friends. Because of this, she never had any friends who had known her since childhood or even for more than two years at most.

PizzaLover123 had so many dreams that she wanted to make come true. By the time she was 20, a very suitable age for getting a depression by the way, she had known a few boys and been with them too. But she could never commit. She was convinced of non-commitment relationships due to Hollywood's effect on her nubile mind as well.

When she turned twenty-three, she realized that she had no friends by her side, that her last relationship with a boy had been 3 years ago, and all that she had managed to gain in (consensual) sexual experience was kissing (with tongue) and second base. The most vivid experience of sex for her was the evil man. She vowed then and there that within a year she would find someone who would love her and wouldn't say no to sleep with her!

So began the not-so-fair maiden's quest for a suitable man. She had long agreed that girls never liked her as friends or lovers. She was different from them and wasn't ashamed of it. The other girls were jealous and showed off their boyfriends to PizzaLover123 to make her jealous. Little did they know that their tactics had some effect on her though she wouldn't willing agree to it.

While this was going on in one part of the world, in a not so distant land, a young lad was looking for a mate. He was the prince of his apartment, and his father, the king, wanted a very good princess for him. However, under the pressure of impending doom in the form of marriage, the prince ran away from his father's castle and took shelter in a distant place where he built a crap castle of his own. He wasn't the best housekeeper so he had to hire someone to cook and clean after him.

One day, the prince awoke from his sleep suddenly at 12 noon. In his dream he had seen a beautifully intelligent looking face which had no make up, and was dark and mysterious. He was very happy to see the girl was not using fairness creams to be fair. He said to himself, "As long as there be blood in my veins and a breath in my lungs, I shall find this girl and go out with her at least once!"

Quickly, he switched on his laptop and logged on to his Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, and Orkut accounts. He would check Bharat Matrimonials and Shaadi.com later.

(To be continued)

Read Part II here: http://herethis-therethat.blogspot.in/2012/02/new-love-stories-part-ii.html
Read Part III here: http://herethis-therethat.blogspot.in/2013/02/new-love-stories-part-iii.html

Read Part IV here: http://herethis-therethat.blogspot.in/2013/03/new-love-stories-part-iv.html

Read Part V here: http://herethis-therethat.blogspot.in/2013/03/new-love-stories-part-v.html

Icarus

I saw this cute movie called "It's Kind Of A Funny Story" recently. There was a song towards the end of the film called "Icarus" by White Hinterland. Now I did like the song a lot but that doesn't mean I'm instantly a fan of the band and am listening to each and every song of theirs. No, I'm not that kind. I like songs, not bands or singers.

Icarus reminds me of the story of the son of the Greek inventor Daedalus. He flew across the world using wings held together by wax, and he flew too close to the sun. It's a sad story because it says that humans can never truly be free. Of course, that's not what the true moral is, but that's how I see it. It's as if bondage and adhering to rules is what we're most comfortable with. Which is why I believe that you should rebel.

Icarus flew too close to the sun not knowing his fate. However, his father did and he cried from far. I read the story in Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson books but we have a similar story in Hindu mythology as well. I don't remember the characters but it was the same story. This again means that all the ancient cultures were in touch with each other, and maybe the Tower of Babel is a true event...but this is a story for another time.

The ways I rebel is by not adhering to rules always. I do it in the most apparent way in my clothing preferences. In office I make sure I'm not rigidly corporate looking. I don't wanna please anyone in office. As long as my wings aren't burnt by the sun, I think the descend to the sky is the most beautiful feeling in the world. I want to fly like a bird, like Icarus. And I think that even after the burnt wings, even when I'm falling to the earth from the sky, I will be proud and I will rebel.

Be like Icarus.

SEX!!

You can't have enough of it and people can't stop thinking about it! Well, I can't help it either. When my mind isn't occupied with writing reviews for movies, TV serials, people, books, my brother, etc., or writing fantasy books of my own (which I don't want published, of course because of the risque content); it's wandering about the region between my legs.

Feminism has done enough to get me to think about it. I've also had long conversations with my classmates (equally as lunatically firebrands as me) about the allure of it and the hold it has on nubile minds. Horny old people also think about it, too I'm sure! As much as feminists have worked for the liberation of women, they've also made us more openly promiscuous AND we no  longer have to be ashamed about it! Songs are being written about it, people!

LOL! As much as I think big-assed, half-naked, gyrating women in rap videos are degrading to the intellectually promiscuous ones like me, I can't stop imagining how satisfying that skimpy two-piece is gonna look in bed! And the hoots I'd get from the person I'm entertaining that time.....

I am proud to fight for women's rights and I know clothes are the first thing that traditionalists and conservatives want to control! Hell, I'm gonna take off my bra (buying them is expensive and tedious, so no burning), wear a "Slut" costume and shake my ass to my heart's delight! Too hot to handle? Yeah, I know ;)

What is Love?

I've been single for a good two years now. I really have forgotten what it was to be in love. I mean, I do remember the most common things, the light-headedness, butterflies in the stomach, curling of the toes inside your sheets...etc.

The things I miss most are the touch of the skin, the hot breathe, tracing the outline of the body through my fingers. (I'm told, I have really soft hands and magic fingers-useful for a massage.) I miss being in bed for no reason and being in "love". I miss the sneaking out, running away and laughing all the way. I miss someone not touching my hair, not kissing me, not appreciating my body when they have full access to it. I mean, I don't always like the roadside desperates who try to rape you with their eyes, but I do appreciate if someone takes an effort to take a full good look at the curves. Which girl doesn't?

I know that being with someone isn't the only thing that you should live for in this world. I have lived life with my girlfriends and friends. I have loved life being alone with myself and my thoughts. I appreciate and love my body more than often. And most days, I'm in a good enough mood to be in love with the world.

But I just wish sometimes...when my hands and imagination aren't enough...to have someone to share bodies and feelings with. I can't talk about these things openly with my friends or girlfriends because they don't always like the boldness. Sex and talking about even the fringes of it turns on some people at first but then they think that I'm overdoing it if I talk in public with the same vigour as in private. I'm no expert on it, mind you, and all I want to do is learn more about it. Education isn't all about school and getting it from the movies and books, people!

Random Thoughts

This has been a long time coming. In between having left my diary to keep an account of my thougths, and keeping all that i had to say to myself, I haven't made much headway into deciphering my life. I'm one to keep my thoughts to myself but I do blurt out in public many a times. My friends have been witnesses to it and haven't had the most pleasurable time during these "blurt-outs".

But then that is that, right?

I'm back to the form where I want to say loads and I'm just looking for the nearest pen and paper, or as this blog is witness to, the closest laptop.

So here're a couple of "blurt-outs" which I will keep public so that someone out there in the world (because none of my friends are following this blog), can read it and make sense or trash it. My manager does say that i'm highly recipient to criticism (and I do get it more often than warranted for), so I won't mind anything people.

Enjoy all the above.