Call me chicken, call me cow

Call me chicken, call me cow

Call me monkey, make me lick my paw

Call me harlot, call me tramp

Call me anything like I have a stamp

Make me regret that I was born

Make me crush my dreams, feel torn

Make me kill my hopes and wishes

Make me call all my dear friends "bitches"

Do me like I am a dog

Do me every time you want

Do me no favour, not until

"Do you want me to pay all your bills?"

I won't ask you anything

Not a diamond or a ring

Don't give me all your seed

As if it is a mighty deed

All I ask is that you stop

Don't go on, please, just stop 

I'm not a thing, but a human being

Raping is not really your thing

Don't rape me like I did some wrong

I wasn't born guilty nor very strong

All I am is what I became

By setting a million goals and aims

Don't rape me just because you can

It's not a justification for any man

Don't rape me, please I beg

I cry, and cry and dread

Rape is all around me now

In my screams and face and house

It's a thing I cannot shake

From these dreams I cannot wake

Dreams of rape is all I see

Being a victim is all I can be

I know I am not just that, I know

Is there a way out that you know?

But I wasn't raped today

What a silly thing to say

Today was a wonderful day

Make it so for all women, I pray

Loving to Hate

I don't exactly know when I started using self-deprecating humour to make fun of my situations. I made fun of everything about myself, my intellect, physical appearance, family, clothes, education, hobbies...I left nothing behind. Of course, this poking fun at myself extended to poking fun at other people, making light of their situations and ending up embarrassing them. I've had foot-in-mouth disease and I've tried hard to not do it any more. Keeping my mouth shut has helped in that regard.

But it hasn't stopped.

A lot of things have happened in the past, and things continue to happen. The only way to escape these is by seeing myself as the loser who can't have a good phase. Separating myself into personae like that has helped me carry on in life, pretending as though nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong, seriously. I don't know what you're talking about.

Drifting through life is easy. But it's tough when you have actual ambitions that you want to actually see happen. Now that sucks. But then ambitious me is also such a loser because she is always interrupted by the loser me. Loser me always comes in the way of ambitious me, ensuring that she doesn't spread her wings. Loser me doesn't like to see any part of me succeed. Nice job!

Logical me thinks that this blog has really taken a turn for the worse. I started as a feminist and I've become one of those old cat ladies who dies in her apartment and is eaten by her cats. Funnily enough, enough number of my friends agree with me on that.

Friends...? Who am I kidding. Loser me doesn't have those. That's happy me. And she's not here anymore.

The Hypocricy of Self

Mean bitches don't take advice: good or bad. They do give plenty of it, though.

 

It is always difficult to sit through an "advising for your own good, beta" session. Plenty of people want to give advice because that is all that they are good at. "Do this", "don't do that", "go there", "don't go there", "you'll suffer plenty, you damn bitch", or "you'll burn in hell, for that, you ugly witch". I've heard the "U" and over-18 versions of it all.

Instead of remembering anything useful from school, what we learn is to give advice. Our parents and teachers are excellent source materials who teach us advice methods and its language. As people who have failed in some aspect of life, they "know best". Of course. When you are below 18 25 30 unmarried and living under the good graces of your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, relatives, servants, neighbours, and passers-byes, you do not have much choice. However, when you turn 18, the situation changes drastically.

At 18, the government itself entitles you to give advice. The right to vote gives you the freedom to flaunt your knowledge (or lack) of the right idiot who is fit to lead the country. The right to a driver's license gives you the liberty to advice yourself to park wherever you wish and abuse in any number of tongues, including Klingon (which people will reciprocate). These freedoms come with the fundamental duty to exploit them. Hail democracy!

The brilliance of giving advice is that you don't need to know or care about the person you're advising. It comes naturally to you after undergoing 18 years of intense conditioning. You can't easily shake off such mental manipulation. It becomes a part of who you are and what you become.

Dear reader, keeping all the above in mind, is it wise to insult my advice-sharing? It is tough to judge oneself before, during, or after advising someone. In fact, it is impossible to even know how and when you switch to "advice mode". But, being a humble person, I have decided to list my hypocrisies and make you all aware of what you are doing in life, and to stop doing it. You aren't benefiting anyone by telling them what to do. We live in a world of idiots who need to insert their fingers in a live socket to understand how electricity works. It's this curiosity that has got us so far up the evolutionary chain. There's no climbing down.

1. "Stop Being My Mother": Being a woman, elder sister, girl friend, girlfriend, best friend, friend, colleague, classmate, and Metro traveller, I hear this phrase almost once every month. Including from my own parents. For all the goth that I tried to imbibe as a teen, this is my biggest failure. I try not to think from my ovaries when I am put in a situation where the only solution I have is a "mom-type answer".
2. "Thanks for the advise": Plenty of times, I have gone on a lengthy monologue and received this response. It's almost always sarcastic in nature. Most people already know whatever you're advising them about. And Google has left no stone unturned. So why do I still feel the tell people again and again about what they should be doing, based on my life's experience?
3. "I don't need you to tell me how to live my life": I love this response mostly because I love saying it all the time I receive advise. A single lady, portly or chubby in nature, and devoid of fair skin or an infectious smile will always receive advise on how to "change her life around". Because that's what she needs: people telling her that she's been living her life wrong all these years. She should have been born looking like Katrina Kaif, with Indra Nooyi's salary, Preity Zinta's smile, Gauri Khan's luck, Marie Curie's brain, and Sonia Gandhi's persistence. Sure, one person can be all that and marry some rando who you think is a "good match"? Would you like some advise on that matter?
4. "You think you know everything?": The answer to that is "Well, obviously!" Friends, and friends who are family, ask me this question all the time. As if! Based on the vast knowledge I've collected over the years, I have the authority to reflect and respond on certain matters that require the level of expertise that I possess.
   Shit, I sound like my elders. Forget whatever I said.
5. "I think you should...": Of course, you should do exactly as I tell you to because my pompous ass is superior to yours. I vomit in my mouth every time I realise I'm saying these words because I have hated being moulded into a "role model". People should be free to choose whoever they want to follow, or not follow. Freedom is free, but getting it so impossible, thanks to all the roadblocks in our way, set by our parents and ourselves.

In conclusion, I have no conclusion. This is a post against advise, and I shall keep it that way. I cannot propagate what I so despise. Do propagate this blog though because I can earn money if you do.

Fly with Your Dreams

This post, like most of my posts, is going to be about feelings. Unlike many other things that people need to live, like money or food, feelings are something that I have an abundance of. And that is troubling.

I don't know when I started imagining and daydreaming but I know that I've been doing it for a long time. The earliest memory of daydreaming I can remember is when I was 8 or 9 years old, in school, and I was dreaming about the fun I would have had had I not been in school at that very moment. I dreamed about the world outside, the wonders it held for me, and I started drawing on my notebook. This has happened a lot since then. My notebooks have been filled with more drawings than actual notes. The desks I used to sit at got a lot of graffiti as well. When that wasn't enough, my friends' notebooks started filling up.

I'd like to think that this behaviour of mine was an important part of my childhood, and one that I'm very proud of. It's made me who I am, it got me my first job, and it made me look artistic and talented. It gave me an identity. Funny, because all I wanted to be when I was 14 was an Emo Goth.

Growing up and getting out of school, and then college, was the worst idea ever. Why didn't I find a Lazarus pit to stop me from ageing? But then again, there is no such thing. What is born must die.

It's not death that I'm afraid of. Ever since I renounced religion, I haven't been afraid of after life, or death, or people's reactions. I just grew out of it. And that's helped me be a better person. Without the constant worry of someone observing and judging my actions all the time, I get the freedom to do things with a peace and calm that I didn't have earlier. And I'm talking about everyday things. Things like sitting with my legs spread out, eating whatever I want, and not shutting up when asked to do so. Liberation is freeing for the mind. Having no soul is good.

Existentialism plagues me everyday.  What am I doing with my life? What are others doing with theirs? Am I going in the right direction? Who answers these questions? The more I read and know, the more troubled I get. Are we even asking the right questions?

Regardless of the storm in my brain, I still keep on dreaming. I dream of fantastic vacations, living life with a decent enough stash of money, having a "love of my life", killing off the archenemy, acting in a Hollywood or two, and shagging the actor/actress who is trending that week on IMDb. Dreams are simple. There is no start and stop. It just keeps going on and on. Mom woke you up before you could kiss that supermodel? No problem. Start dreaming  when you travel on the metro. Go on, drool a bit. Everyone around you is in dream state as well.

Reality? Isn't that boring? Why be real when you can pretend ? An endless stupor of dreams where you are anything you could ever wish to be? Now, how much better could life really get?

25, Single, Looking to Make Werewolf Babies

Of late, I've been thinking that I should really get into this marriage business. It seems like a lucrative idea. Post some random information about yourself online and see how many people believe that whatever has been written is true. Yeah, right! You can't trust newspapers but you will believe every word written in such sites. How.... Well.

So, anyways, back to the matrimonial sites and the marriage business. The past two years were spent attending weddings of family, colleagues, and backstabbing friends who had sworn to remain single so that the desperate ones in the group (like yours truly) would not feel bad. It took me some time to get over this shock, awe, and betrayal. I'm glad to say that this year, I've become mature and I finally understand their motives to get married. I totally agree with all you who married and had the displeasure of having me at your wedding. I'm sure you weren't in for the grumpy face and growling voices that I was emanating.

Get over it like I did.

The decision to "join them" because I couldn't "beat them" was tough. But I've always been the bigger person, as my friends will agree. I thought long and hard about the kind of partner I should be looking out for. I've been stalking people in public places as much as I can to see what kind of characteristics and traits I should mention in the "I'm looking for ________ in a partner" column. Trust me, those blanks are hard to fill.

In my quest, I learned some tough lessons. In this world, there are no traits that work the same for two people. What worked for someone didn't necessarily work for another. I had to be really, really specific and not use flowery language that could be misinterpreted or not be interpreted at all. I had to address the completely dumb audience as well as the high-flying ones. After working on numerous lists, below is a snapshot of the profile I finalised.

• Name: Anita Ann Babu
• Nickname: The Babu, Anita the Marvelous, and Captain Amazeballs
• Hobbies (not in any particular order): Excessive sexual role-play, reading, eating, and ignoring dumb people
• Future plans: Complete my "Bitch Magic" certificate course from the Academy for the Totally Mean Bitches, Like Seriously
• Ideal partner: Medium to high libido (race/caste/height/weight/education no bar), should be into cosplay, preferably spermless unless he can give me a werewolf baby
• Ideal wedding destination: Any children's playground in the city (unlimited, free swing rides! Woo!)

Now, you may see this list and say that some of these things are pretty unreasonable. Like my "Bitch Magic" course. Trust me, it's completely real. Everything I have written here is based on truth (mostly, a partial version of the truth). Most important, it is what best describes me and what I am looking for. I don't know if I should add any other categories in this bio. As readers of this blog post, please do advise me if I have missed something important. After all, this is my first time.

In all honesty, I think this is a true portrayal of myself and my abilities. These are the first things I want my future partner to notice about me. I want them to know how open I am to new things and people (not dumb people though). I am a kind and loving person who will take care of them forever (or at least until I get bored). Is it too much to ask for the same in another human being?

Is there anybody out there for me? Will anybody respond to this call for a lifelong partnership?

OK, well realistically, let's dial back down on the "forevers" and "lifelong". Nothing's written in stone, and even that can be wiped clean. But I have high hopes of getting some really good proposals with this bio. I can't wait to post it online and wait for Prince Charmings or Goth Emperors to come knocking.

Being Set Up For Life

The past few weeks have been spent voraciously reading through books as if there was no tomorrow. Currently, books are the only thing in my life that make me feel like I'm in an adventure. This is really because there's nothing else in my life that requires as much focus and attention from me. Books really do make me feel alive. I even felt my heart skip a beat. That has not happened with anything else, as far back as I can remember.

Being single and having to work to earn a livelihood is pretty normal. Having a dysfunctional home is also pretty normal, because everything classifies as dysfunctional these days. What is normal? Even television doesn't know the answer to that. And the Bible is no longer a reference book for life.

When I see my fellow colleagues, friends, and family struggle with the people in their lives, I can't connect to them. Why doesn't everyone just tell each other the truth. I did that and some people stopped talking to me altogether. That's fine by me. If you can't handle the truth, you don't deserve to call yourself a thinking individual.

Life hasn't always treated me with kid gloves, so why should I treat others the same way? It's not my way of getting revenge at life, or avenging some stupid notion that I cooked up. I really am serious about telling the truth as you perceive it. The truth that people know if staring them in the face, but don't want to face because it proves that they were wrong.

Nothing is liberating. Only freedom is liberating, and that too is a short-lived phenomenon before we rush to comply to the rules of living. The truth is weird and never what we expect it to be. Am I sad in life, yes. The reasons: my life is pretty f----- up right now, and I'm pretty much broke. My dreams have been sidelined to address the fancies of other people. Am I angry? You bet! The blatant violation of my rights and disregard of my hard work is sure to make people livid.

Then people ask me, why am I so closed off and distant? My dear people, becoming an ice queen in life is not something I wanted. It's something I was driven to be because of all the circumstances that I couldn't always control. After all, I was also growing up during that time and wasn't any wiser about how I could live my life.

I don't remember if I ever really loved anyone: boyfriend, family or friend. It's because I don't have any emotional bonds with any of them that make me want to do absolutely anything for them. My commitment to each person in my life has a limit that I will not exceed, no matter what the case. It's not me being an ice queen. It's just me trying to survive. I'm not suicidal because I really really value my life over that of others. So, this is my animal instinct, and nothing beats it.

So, why is it that people don't understand this simple argument? Because all of us have been under false expectations that some parts of life are really a party. Life has various parties, but it is never an endless party. Rich people worry about their riches, poor people worry about their lives. Everyone has good memories that help them through the tough times. In spite of inequalities, people get by because that is what they have always done. So, why try to make my life any different?

I do have dreams that I wish to fulfill during my time here. It's just that I have many impediments such as "commitments". Getting rid of all these commitments has not been easy, and I'm not even half-way done. I have a long way to go before I can get to life live the way I want it to be. It doesn't help that I'm going to turn 26 in September and I still haven't done much to get ahead in life.

I await the day when I will truly be free. That sentence does not have any metaphorical intentions. I really want to be emotionally and physically free. Every day I dream of this future of mine gives me hope to live on. There's much in life I am yet to experience and a dreary existence is the last thing I want to continue doing. 

What Comes After a Question?

Lying awake each night, I wonder what is the best way to live a life. Every action leads to a reaction, and how that fits into the scheme of things while circling this universe plagues my mind. How far ahead into the future can I see and predict my fate? How does each small action contribute to something relevant?

What lies at the core of all this questioning is the very reason for existence. Why? Why not? And for whatever reason, how? How does one keep doing actions that result in a life made relevant? It doesn't matter once we are gone. I want my actions now to result in something in the present. I don't know what to expect in the future, and frankly, I have stopped wishing for a better future. That is a futile way to live a miserable present. What I want to do concerns my present. How do I make living in the now worthwhile?

Many sleepless nights are yet to come and many a dreary day lie ahead.

Struggle: Every Minute, Every Moment

It is the new year once again, and everyone is contemplating on what to do in the coming year. Honestly, this is the only area in my life where I did not procrastinate. I have been asking myself what I am doing in life and where do I see my life going for the whole of last year. Too many metaphorical slaps on my face, too many face palms, heartbreaks, and disappointments later, I am no closer to finding a suitable answer to my questions.

Disappointment is so disappointing. The despair that it brings is crushing; it stops you from going forward and forces you to feel bad about the choices you have made that led you to that particular disappointing moment. There have been so many such moments that my whole life feels like a failure. I can't have done wrong all the time, could I? After all, half of my decisions were not my own but where what everyone around me expected me to do.

Two years ago, I would have happily taken advise from my parents, elders, and friends. I was a very pleasing person. But that aggravated my suffering. Realising that my freedom was being compromised for the sake of others, I decided to put a stop to things the way that they were. I stopped respecting the advise and views of others coming to me. They said it was for my benefit, but I realised that my "own benefit" could benefit only if I was the one making all the decisions.

However, I am not totally independent of responsibilities or social sensibilities. Not yet, at least. I still live with my parents, I have to work hard to keep a job and earn money to live a certain way. I still have to clothe myself and keep up appearances with friends and other family. The benefit to my own well-being has come very slowly. Every day is a struggle and the despair is soul-crushing. It is not easy to live life the way only you want it. But it was never easy to make everyone happy, after all, everyone is a critic.

The biggest doubter of my own capabilities has at least been shut down. I am more confident without all that externally placed doubt on my shoulders. I have proved again and again that I am better than my doubters, and each day is a joy to prove it once more. Trust me, I'm not one to gloat but as a stubborn individual, I do enjoy my small victories. And as a dear friend would say, I love proving people wrong. I can't help putting up a mirror to the doubters and show them their own weaknesses. They can't bring me down, if I simply do not care.

I do not care about a lot of things and I can see that from my emotional detachment from people, causes and things. This detachment has been gradually increasing each year. I do fear that one day, I will not be able to feel anything and I fear what will happen that day. I hope it does not come to some drastic measure. So far, I have stayed away from any form of death or illness, but the mind is more complicated than ones own understanding.

I think that if I am able to care about small things and a couple of people, I can keep the emotional part of me alive. A good cry once every few months would help, I think. And I also hope that the people I truly love, but do not always convey my feelings to, do not give up on me. Their hope is the beacon I need to tackle my doubters and self-doubt. I feel things will be fine in the coming year. I feel that they despair will end one day. I just do not know how. For now, I can live in the ignorance of the unknown. I just tell myself that it's something to look forward to, a certain event in the future. That's the only prediction that I am 100% sure about.